Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Beginning

I’ve been suffering from depression for years it can come and go but it's always there and it gets worse in times of stress and most of the time I can deal with the depression but in the last six month it seem to be getting worse especially with the lost of my job. It started around May 1, 2015 the difficulties of finding a job can be very stressful and the financial burdens can also cause more stress.  It was drawing near to my end of unemployment benefits and I could feel the desperate need to find a job. I was grateful for the help of the department of workforce services and how the showed how to continue to push forward and that job will come. 

I  happily found a part time job which was a relief because it was still the same amount of wages so I felt I could hang on while continuing my search for something full time. Having found a job you think things would be complete and relief would be great not really because you begin to save your other life worries that you've been putting off because they couldn't be address until a job was found. 

Now with depression this is a never ending and the feelings never really leave you so at first it beginning to eat at your self-esteem, then you feel shame and guilt because those old insecurities start coming back into your head. One night in September I had this internal dialog the began something like this you’re a failure, a disappointment, unlovable, ugly, dirty, you’re a fraud, and you’re a liar. 

Try sleeping to this going on over and over in your head. It was in that moment I asked in despair please help me Lord stop the voices. In that moment they were silenced I had such a sense of peace come over me and for the first time I had hope.  I began to realize that my happiness was just as important as others and that the Lord was telling me as daughter of god you can tap into the Goddess within you.

You see I’ve avoided looking in the mirror for years because I didn’t love the woman staring at me in the mirror. So I’ve begun this journey of light and love and this blog will be my Journal of those experiences yet to come.